Six Sentence Sunday – A blast from the past. This is funny.

It’s Six Sentence Sunday again.  Today’s is gonna give you a giggle. I’m going to allow you to wallow in my ineptness.

If you haven’t heard, Six Sentence Sunday is a group of people who mostly post their own work, but I just shoot out six sentences of whatever takes my fancy.  Sometimes what I’m writing, or sometimes what I’m reading.  If you want to find out more, click here.  Visit Six Sentence Sunday Site.

I’m still reading Oracle by JC Martin.  I didn’t want to post another 6 sentences from the same work, so I was sitting here at my desk, and I saw a printed copy of my early novel HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT hanging out, feeling abandoned.

I thought it would be fun to open it up to a random page, and just pick six sentences.

Now… I wrote this well over a year ago, maybe even two years, as last year at this time I was editing it.  I laughed when I read this passage.  I am going to curtail my inner-editor and post it exactly as it is printed.  Mistakes and all.

Yes, thank goodness, I have come incredibly far in a little over a year.

At his feet, an arbor bug struggled to scale a small mound of dirt.

Harris sighed as he watched it.  Why doesn’t it just walk around it?  After it fell back for the third time, Harris flattened the mound with his foot, and the small creature continued on its way.  He closed his eyes and smiled, actually finding gratification in helping something so small.  Would Daniel Hyelven have done that?

OMIGOSH!  Can you stand how much tell is in those six sentences?

Did I really use the word “it” four times in the same line?

This is really embarrassing.   I just couldn’t believe it, but I thought it would be worth a laugh.

I just love this story, and someday I will go back and fix it.  After looking at this paragraph, I know it will be a huge undertaking. :-)

Hope you got a good giggle!

About these ads

34 responses to “Six Sentence Sunday – A blast from the past. This is funny.

  1. Well, I agree with you about repeating ‘it’, but I’m not sure you need to show more in that little bit. It’s charming as is!

  2. I agree with the repetition of ‘it’, but I’m not sure that you need to show any more in that little moment. It was charming as it was!

  3. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to point out my weaknesses. I admire you for your bravery.

  4. I’m having a similar experience posting some of my old WIPs. In the early days I fell really easily into the “he said, she said” trap. Ending every bit of dialogue with some variation of that. Ugh! I read some of it now and can’t help cringing. But thanks for the mention on my Six Sentence Sunday posts!

  5. Well, his heart is in the right place. Nice work, Jennifer!

  6. LOL. I have the same problem when I pull out something I wrote a year ago. Cringeworthy moment. But then I remind myself look at how much better you are now! :)

  7. I didn’t even notice much of what you pointed out. I thought it quite nice. I’m assuming this is a metaphor for something else in the book either earlier or later though, which is quite brilliant…yes?

  8. Jennifer, this six is delicious. All “it’s of it. Thanks.

  9. Carrie Crain

    You’ll never see my mistakes!! LOL. I still have my first screenplay I wrote in college. Vomit looks more appealing. You’re gutsy!

  10. I’ve written much worse this week :D

  11. I’ve read and written much worse.

  12. LOL, “it’s” not bad, but I did notice the “it” thing right away;-) Thanks for the giggle, brave girl!

  13. the image of the arbor bug is really good. i can see what you are saying as to tell. it’s one of the main reasons why i stay away from storytelling because i tend to like to throw the tell or throw my weight around in my poetics.

  14. I actually liked it, too, Jennifer. I didn’t notice the four its when reading, and I loved the telling. That’s a nice little scene. I like Harris; he’s a helpful chap.

  15. Pingback: Six Sentence Sunday | J. Keller Ford ~ YA Fantasy Author

  16. Actually, it worried me because I really didn’t think it was that bad. I mean, yes, you do use ‘it’ a few too many times and the sentence in thought did not flow particularly well but other than that it seemed good. I couldn’t find much telling that should have been showing – only one example: when he found gratification in helping something so small – but I think that’s good telling. Am I just too bad a writer to not see what’s wrong with it?

    • Ok, so if you think this is bad, what I sent to you last night is going to look like See Spot run. You are way too hard on yourself. Could you make this better? Yes, but it’s not bad. We simply need to see Harris’ face as he squishes the mound with delightful mirth – sick, evil, gorgeous b&$%@(d. You know, he remains one of my favorite characters. He’s so deliciously nasty.

    • Well that’s been edited about twenty times, but I’d definitely write it differently today.