If you’re interested in what I’m dealing with, and what we’ve experienced thus far, check the posts listed below this article.
We are now officially in week two. We’ve seen excellent results using the “ten tips to help you right now” ideas with the older kids… but my two “A+ over-achievers” aren’t really the problem. (Unless you consider crying over getting a “B” on a test a problem – Ugh they are carbon copies of me, I swear) The older kids blink in surprise, and then react to my new-fangled requests like normal thinking human beings. The six-year-old, though, rants around my requests, giving just as much a problem as I’ve become accustomed to.
Our son’s most common phrase this week: “It’s not my fault, it’s yours (or his)”
On the bright side, he did actually finish his homework yesterday without a shouting match. I’m not sure if that is coincidental or not.
The lesson for this week is called “Why won’t my child listen to me.”
While the first disk explained that my child with behavioral issues does not use the same thought processes that the rest of us do, and assured us that his behavior IS NOT our fault… Disk two left us feeling like it WAS all our fault. They listed a number of common parenting mistakes … almost all of which either my husband, I, or both of us were guilty of.
Here the anger sets in. I tried to listen with an open mind, because everything they said made perfect sense. My husband felt attacked and needed a little convincing. Hubby admitted to being the textbook speech giver. The CD said this almost never works. And for, us, it never ever works… but hubby insists on giving a speech about right and wrong and why doesn’t anyone listen to him, and why is he giving this speech again if no one listens… In effect, he was making himself feel better, but the kids (and even me, I must admit) were not listening at all. After much soul-searching, he stamped a “guilty” button on his head, and admitted giving self-righteous speeches doesn’t work, so he shouldn’t even try.
I had to admit that I was the textbook negotiator. “Can we have five more minutes, Mom, please? I’ve been good.” I always cave. Then it’s five more, and five more. GUILTY. I have to set rules and stick to them.
These are just two of the things that we had to curb in our own parenting style. Believe me, there were many more things, and their reasons why they didn’t work made perfect sense.
So, then, what the heck do we do? We are still a little frustrated, because our “homework” last week was to consider why our child lashes out, and have a better understanding. This week is to try not to use these useless parenting ruts that we’ve gotten ourselves into. But how? I expect to be using that help line a while lot this week.
We are resisting the urge to skip the “waiting” and move on to the next disk, which looks like it has actual things we can put into practice. We promised each other that we would do this by the book, and this is what it says to do… wait a week in between … but it’s really hard when you are still living inside a nightmare with no immediate hope of waking up.
The big problem I see is that my little guy firmly believes it is someone else’s fault that he gets angry. In a way, he’s right. But the problem is that he does not know how to deal with his anger, so he punches something (or someone) or breaks something that is important to the other person… or even breaking something he treasures himself. He says he doesn’t know why he does it. How the heck do you deal with that? Yeah… I’m calling that help line.
Our Journey with the Total Transformation:
Week One post #1
Week Three (This Post) Post #4
- Dealing with a child with behavioral issues: Our family’s journey with The Total Transformation program (paulaacton.com)
- Let Go of Behavior Management; Teach it Instead (parentingfromscratch.wordpress.com)
- 5 Mistakes (even) The Best Parents Make (horizonfamilysolutions.wordpress.com)
- Improve Kids’ Behavior: Catch Them Being Good (psychcentral.com)
- What is your child really saying when he says he can’t? (lmatlow.blogspot.com)
- Behavioral Problems in Children (parenting.answers.com)
- How to Teach Children to Manage Their Own Behavior (parentingfromscratch.wordpress.com)
- Family: Love As A Verb And Letting Go Of Expectations (bipolarlessons.com)
- Parental Alienation Syndrome (sdtherapy.wordpress.com)
- Parenting and Comforting a Child (parenting.answers.com)