Sunday Snippets Blog Hop #7 – A scene from Fire in the Woods

Sunday_SnippetsOh Yeah! It’s the Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop!

In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.  Don’t have a post of your own?  We’d love a critique anyway!  And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

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I think if I look at this passage one more time I’m gonna puke… so I’m going to make YOU GUYS look at it.  This is a scene from “Fire in the Woods” that I’ve edited to death this week.  What do you think?

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The underbrush shuffled.  I gasped as fingers dug into my flesh.  My body lifted into the air, and my lungs struggled against an overwhelming pressure against my ribs. The moon sank behind the clouds, darkening the forest and hiding my captor.  Held from behind, I struggled and kicked.  “Let go!”

I twisted and tugged.  My feet dragged across the forest floor as someone pulled me further from David’s shivering form.  Another set of arms shot out of the dark and clutched my hands, tying my wrists together with a coarse rope before drawing me into the air.

The pressure against my sides subsided, and I drew in a deep breath.  My shoulders burned and screamed from the strain as they maneuvered my hands over a tree branch and hung me like a Christmas ornament.  “What are you doing? Let me down!”

I trembled as the cloud cover shifted.  The trees, like sharp shadows, seemed to lean towards me, watching.  A large broad man walked away, his gait somewhat familiar. A woman adjusted my bindings, her face partially covered by a fuzzy-edged hood.

“What do you want?”  I asked.

Her silence hung in the air like a veil.  She either didn’t hear me, or didn’t care that I spoke.   Sweat ran down my temples as she turned and joined her friend.  I writhed in my bindings.

My captors brushed the dirt with their hands before gathering something from the woods, stacking it on the ground.

“Please, let me go.  I didn’t do anything.”

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The Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop is on!

Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list.  The more the merrier!swish swivel squiggle 2

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

Note:  Those who have not been participating have been removed.

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

http://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

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11 responses to “Sunday Snippets Blog Hop #7 – A scene from Fire in the Woods

  1. Hi Jennifer – can you add me back into your list please? I’m missing here – thanks.

  2. Reads really well and grips the reader not much to add to be honest…

  3. This reads wonderfully to me. Lots of action, scary imagery… I can see you’ve worked on it!
    “A large broad man walked away”
    Sounds… off to me. I’ve heard men described as ‘broad-shouldered” or “big and tall.” It makes sense, I know what you mean, and if no one else has a problem with it, it might just be me. :)
    “My captors brushed the dirt with their hands before gathering something from the woods, stacking it on the ground.”
    I imagine you describe the ‘something’ later in more detail. But as she can see for the moment, maybe a brief description? Like “something large and bulky” or “something wrapped in a tarp.”
    Overall, I think you’ve got it pretty polished.

  4. Great drama, nice sensory images. Although, with just 250 words, hard to tell what’s at stake. Very interesting!

  5. The shuffling underbrush pulled me out a bit. I certainly understand the idea, but editors might be picky. I don’t know what comes before, but would a sentence fragment work? Maybe, “Shuffling from the underbrush.”? (How’s that for awkward punctuation around the idea!)

  6. These are wonderful:
    ~The trees, like sharp shadows, seemed to lean towards me, watching.
    ~ Her silence hung in the air like a veil.
    ~ Love the verbs–always awesome action–but not sure about’ shuffled’ in the first sentence. I like the sound of it though.
    ~ Third sentence ‘against’ appears twice.