Can you make us “GASP” contest entry

Here is my “famous in my own mind” contest entry for Brenda Drake’s “Can you make us GASP” contest.  My poor eight-year-old son still refuses to sleep alone after reading this.  It’s going on two weeks now.  (Sorry, Buddy)

I feel like a horrible mother, but who better to judge a middle grade “GASP” than my target audience?  Now granted, this wouldn’t make a teenager gasp, but it sure knocked the socks off my eight year old.  All in good fun, right?

This is the first 300 words of my middle-grade novel:  CRICKET RIDERS

Enjoy!

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“Good Night, buddy,” Brian’s mother said, kissing him on the forehead.

“Good night, Mom.”  Brian pulled up his blankets and tried to hide his brother Mark, who was asleep in his bed.

Mom smiled, and pulled down the covers.  “He can’t sleep in here
with you, Brian.”

“Awe, come on, Mom!  He gets scared at night.”

“Really?” Mom said.  “He gets scared, or you get scared?”  She picked up his little brother, and carried him to his own room.

Mom poked her head back in the door.  “You’re too old to be afraid of the dark, sweetie.”

“I’m not afraid,” Brian said, pulling his blankets up to his nose.

Mom sighed.  “Good night, Buddy.”

She turned out the lights, and he curled into a ball.   He heard a thump, and braced himself, but it was just Mom and Dad going to bed.

He held his breath, waiting.

The shuffling noise came first.  Then a scrapping across his dresser.  Something  hit his computer stand, and his monitor popped on like a huge green night-light. 

Brian hid his eyes.  Count to a hundred and it will all be over!  One,
Two, Three…

The sounds kept coming, and Brian could only hold his breath for so long.  He let it out in one big poof.  Everything went quiet.  He froze.

Brian’s heart beat franticly as his computer screen hummed.  He squeezed his eyes shut pretending to be asleep, until it started again.

Shadows crept along the wall as he slowly peeked over his blankets.  Three toy robots walked across his desk, slinking and ducking in the night.  What?  Toys can’t move by themselves!

But they were moving.  Brian tried to hold his breath again, but a scared murmur escaped his lips.  The robots all turned their fiery red eyes at the same time…  and stared right at him.

 There you have it.  300 words.  I hope you enjoyed it!

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13 responses to “Can you make us “GASP” contest entry

  1. Thank you for participating in Can You Leave Us Breathless? Blogfest Contest. Your entry has been judged.

    Good luck!

    The Judges
    (Connie, Joannine, Marissa, and Brenda)

  2. Lovely and absolutely MG. I am a big fan of everything MG so I’d read the whole story — and I would probably react like your little one (although I’m way over 40 😉 ).

  3. Very fun, and scary! at the same time. I enjoyed it.

  4. Ahh! Those red eyes turning toward him would frighten anyone. How adorable that he tried to hide his sleeping baby brother under the covers.

  5. Yep, that was scary and my anxiety skyrocketed in anticipation.

  6. Truly gasp-worthy. I understand why your son refuses to sleep alone after reading this. Imagine robot eyes staring out at you in the dark! Weee! love it.

  7. Oh I like it – I think it’s the colour red, that would make it so scary. I like the contest challenge.

  8. This was great! This would totally freak me if I was reading it alone at night, which is when I read. 🙂 And I’m in my twenties.

    For some reason, I didn’t love the thought about how robots can’t move. It just too casual or something.

    But great job!

  9. Great excerpt! Loved the robots.

  10. Pingback: Flash Fiction: A King and a Prophecy « Jennifer J Randolph's Blog

  11. I loved this the first time I read it and I love it still. I also adore the title. You’ve got something here, Jen. I want to read more when you have Magellan squared away. *wink*

  12. Nice! Love the synchronistic robot head turning at the end.