Here is my tentative entry for the Brenda Drake YA Writing Contest. For details, click here. (It’s not to late to join in!)
This is the current draft of the first 250 words of my Sci-Fi / Fantasy novel HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT.
Any constructive criticism would be appreciated before I submit my entry on September 23rd.
Thanks for looking!
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“I’m not gonna sit here locked in a closet all day.” Magellan pulled out of his mother’s arms as his siblings whimpered and fidgeted behind her.
“Magellan, come back here.” He could barely see her reaching for him in the darkness.
“No. I can’t see.” He leaned up to the small window. The constant lightning flashes kept the auditorium at the end of the hall illuminated. A sea of faces blanketed the stands. People shouted and pointed downward from their seats. He knew his father was on the bottom platform, just out of view. “I wish I could see or hear something.”
“Get back mine scum!” A guard slammed something against the opening.
“Ouch,” Magellan grabbed his forehead. “Jerk.”
As he waited for the guard to leave, a reflection of flames danced across the metal locking plate, and it slid loose. Did that actually happen? It must have broken when he hit the window frame. He touched it, and it fell to the floor.
His mother gasped. “Magellan Talbot. Don’t you dare…” But he was already through the door.
The guards were down the hallway, distracted by a small fire on the side of the wall. This must be my lucky day. He headed off in the opposite direction, into the auditorium.
The crowd yelled and threw fists in the air. His father stood in the center of the platform, facing down a much taller man in a navy-blue uniform. Lightning flashed through the windows on all sides of the chamber as Magellan took a deep breath, and stepped out.
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There you have it! Please let me know what you think!
Jennifer M Eaton 
Hi Jennifer,
First of all, I want to say that I have a weakness for characters with uncommon names! And Magellan is tres cool.
I agree with much of what the reviewers above are saying. For me, the setting is so vital to this work. This is a gladiatorial arena. That is so awesome! But I want details to hook me into this world. I like that you start with an action oriented scene, and that you don’t feel the need to world-build at the front. But show us what Magellan is seeing and feeling with pinpoint accuracy. Create the dank, damp walls, or the smell of sweat, or other tangible details that we can latch onto. Describe actions more. I think that would resolve some problems with spatial placement and explain why his mother and siblings are there, what he means by “a closet,” and how he manages to evade the guards.
I think that this is such a cool world you are creating, even from this small section. Let it out and show its stuff!
I like the language and style you used, but a lot of that was lost in my confusion. The entire time I asked myself what he was doing in the closet with his mother and his sister, why he refused to stay, what the guard didn’t like about him. A couple of questions are a good way of catching the reader’s interest, but too many too quickly just leaves us confused. Make sure we’ve got our feet under us before you send us running.
I think Jen and Scribbler have done a much better job at articulating their thoughts than I could. I agree – there needs to be more detail. He sounds like he is young, which is fine, but since it’s third person, the reader definitely needs more details.
I want to know why his mother is so fearful – why they should be scared? And why isn’t he? Why is he so desperate to get to his father, and why is his father separated from them in the first place? Is this an arena battle to the death, or a stage, or what? I know that a lot of this might be flushed out in the longer piece, but as for a grasping intro, I think we just need more descriptions – like the flames dancing across the lock, put us as your readers and audience there. Don’t be afraid of over describing – because that can always be easily cut back on later 🙂
If you haven’t read Ender’s Game, I think it’s a great read, especially for flushing out description while still being very active instead of passive. I just finished it – and it’s spectacular. The way the author keeps his characters young/strong/willful, but still very descriptive is something that I’m trying to incorporate into my work.
Best of luck,
Rachel
Hi Jennifer,
Just returning the favor . Could you post the genre of your novel? I don’t know if this is historical, dystopian, or happening on the moon :). So below are all my comments—don’t get upset by how many there are, I am trying to give you as much feedback as possible before you submit to the contest! Feel free to ignore any or all of it :).
Having read the whole piece, Magellan feels sounds the brave type, so having him being the one in his mother’s arms (instead of one of his other siblings) feels wrong. Also, it doesn’t make sense that he could pull away so easily—given the stressful situation, I would think his mom would be clutching him. And once she does let go, why doesn’t she just grab him again? They’re in a small closet, right? And why does the closet have a window?
It’s not quite clear why Magellan grabs his forehead. Maybe use the preceding sentence to explain “The guard slammed something against the opening, and Magellan could feel it through the door.” Ok so that’s terrible, but hopefully you get my point. You might want to have Magellan jerk back before he rubs his forehead, too.
The guard hit the opening…so why did the locking mechanism break? It’s not impossible but it seems like a disconnect. Consider having the guard slam something against the door generally instead of specifically at the opening. I think that will make it flow easier for the reader.
And why doesn’t the guard hear the lock fall? Consider have Magellan grab it before it hits the ground—they maybe watch the guard nervously in case he heard, then maybe a look as his mom as he launches into a little plotting…. Ok maybe I just went overboard there 🙂 .
And why does the guard leave? Isn’t he supposed to be guarding?
Next—how are there flames reflecting on the locking plate? Where are they coming from? I thought it was dark in the closet. If the lights coming through the window, would they reach down to a locking plate, that is, presumably, straight below the window?
His mom doesn’t chase him when he leaves? I would suggest having him race off before she can, and have him think about how she won’t abandon the other kids to catch him.
Stepped out where? Into the light? Did he push through the crowd? Is he at the back of the auditorium?
And lastly, I think you could work in a little bit more of Magellan’s feelings. I get that he’s curious and brave, but is her nervous at all? Frightened? Angry? Irritated at his mom? What does he think of his sibs reactions? Are they younger or older? Just a few things to consider so the reader can really step into his shoes.
Whew—I was just trying to be as tough as possible. All that being said, I love the idea of the intrepid Magellan (AND love his name—it sounds perfect for him!), I love the class struggle you’ve suggested, and I love the idea of miners (so many great setting options).
Good luck!
Scribbler
Thanks scribbler. I love a lot of feedback. I gives me a lot to chew on,
and now I know what to work on. This is a very recent re-write from a
completely new angle, so I expected a lot of revamping. This is a Sci-Fi
Fantasy novel.
I’m interested in what is going on. I had a hard time following it though. Man, I hate saying that. I like some of Kford’s ideas.
You have some excellent suggestions from Kford above. Your story is very intriguing and you left me wanting more at the end. I was wondering what would happen when Magellan stepped out into the arena. I didn’t have a sense of time but I’m thinking it is dystopian. Make sure to list your genre for the contest. Wonderful job and good luck in the contest! ❤
Thanks, Brenda! This is actually the second revise after recieving feedback from your last first 250 word contest where one of your teen judges loved my pitch, but didn’t think my first 250 words were exciting enough. Sounds like I’m on the right track!
Here goes. Just remember these are my ideas and feel free to take what you can use and discard the rest.
First, I think I would flip your opening line.
“Magellan, come back here.”
“No,” the boy said, pulling away from his mother’s arms. His siblings whimpered behind her. “I can’t see what they’re doing to dad, and I’m not going to sit here locked in a dark closet all day.” or something like this. I think it gives your reader an immediate understanding of what’s going on.
***
I wasn’t crazy about ‘leaning up’ to the window. Is he standing on tiptoes? Also, I was picturing a window with glass in it but then the guard hits Magellan through the opening. I’d make the window a bit more visual. Is it a barred window? If so, maybe Magellan can get on tiptoes and wrap his fingers around the bars. Just a thought.
***
“The constant lightning flashes kept the auditorium at the end of the hall illuminated.” If this is a storm, give us roaring, rumbling thunder. Make it clear this is lightning. Right now I’m getting a vision of a bunch of camera flashes going off. Also, since this is from Magellan’s POV, would he think the flashes kept the hall illuminated? I think I might try to tie the lightning into the faces seated around the room. You know that image you get when it’s dark in a room and lightning flashes and it makes the faces look kind of creepy and scary? Somehow I’d tie the lightning to the way Magellan perceives the faces in the room. I’m sure they’re scary to him. Also, where is the rain? Can we hear it pounding on the roof?
***
As he waited for the guard to leave, a reflection of flames danced across the metal locking plate, and it slid loose…
I would lose the first 1/2 of the sentence as Magellan doesn’t see them walking away the way the passage is written. If they do walk away, then have a sound or a commotion or something going on at the other end of the hall to make them leave. I think I would have Magellan immediately interact with the door, have him touch the lock, and as he does, the flames dance across the metal. Have him draw his hand back in that ‘whoa’ moment, watch the flames disappear, then reach for it again. This time before his fingers touch the bolt, it moves and slides out, making him unsure if he did it or if it fell out on it’s own. I think it is important to have him interact just a bit more so he’s conscious of what has happened but wondering if he did it. (adds depth to the scene and character)
***
His mother gasped. “Magellan Talbot. Don’t you dare…” But he was already through the door. – I think the transition of him leaving the room needs to appear at the beginning of the paragraph, not the end. something like: Magellan threw open the door. His mother gasped. …
***
He headed off in the opposite direction, into the auditorium.
The crowd yelled and threw fists in the air. – this makes it sound like they yelled and threw their fists in the air because Magellan entered the room, not because they were mad at daddy. I would re-word.
Again, at the end with the lightning, give us the thunder and rain, too. Fill my senses. Also, above you state Magellan headed into the auditorium, giving us the impression he’s already inside. Then in the last line, he takes a deep breath and steps out. Maybe say Magellan walked in the direction of the auditorium or that he stopped at the edge, hidden in the shadows. What’s he thinking before he steps out into the room? I think he would say something like ‘no one’s going to talk to my dad like that.’ or something that shows your reader this little guy has some spunk to him and he’s not afraid of anything. I also miss the fruit throwing. 🙂
Sorry if this seems like a lot but really, it’s minor tweaking. You can totally feel free to chop away at mine when I post it. In fact, I hope you do. 🙂
Jen
Ha ha, she misses the fruit throwing… I give her a dungeon like closet, and a Goddess-induced prison break, and she still wants a food fight. Geez. You just can’t make some people happy. 🙂
Thanks for the suggestions, Jen, but I’m not sure if the fruit will come back in this version.