Auntie B’s Book Club Blogfest Contest

Well, I guess it’s time to jump into this blog thing head on.  My good friend Jenny Keller Ford clued me in to a contest for writers to tie into their blog sites.  So, I thought, “Hey!  I have a blog!”  Okay, so it doesn’t have over a thousand hits yet like hers, but give me time.  I figured I could at least give it a try, since I’m just finishing up my novel.  Why not????

Here’s the deal.  Brenda Drake is hosting a contest on her own blog.  Pure genius if you ask me.  Way to use your connections, girlfriend!  Anyway, It’s called Auntie B’s Book Club Blogfest Contest.  You can hit the link it you want to look at it.  I’m a bit behind.  I only have one day to get feedback.  This is a great opportunity to jump into the ring head on.

The contest is based off a 35 word Pitch, and then the first 250 words of your manuscript.   I have to submit my midnight on July 20th, so any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated.

Well, that being said, here we go!

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Title: HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT

Genre: YA Fantasy

Pitch: A boy with infinite power, but no memory of who he is, or what he can do, builds an army of friends to fight the coming darkness, while a jealous prince tries to kill him.

 

Excerpt:

Grown-ups fight a lot, Magellan thought, as he looked out over the crowd.  He wasn’t really listening to the argument going on between his father and the tall man anymore.  He had no idea what they were even talking about.  They just kept saying the same things over and over.

“It’s a totalitarian government!” his father said.

“It is nothing of the sort!” the tall man retorted.  “Give me one example of a person on that moon that wants freedom!”

They weren’t the only angry ones in the room.  There were a lot of people gathered around his family in the center of the huge chamber, and every one of them seemed mad.  They were all dressed in bright colors and fabrics Magellan had never seen.  The men wore crisp, clean uniforms, and the women wore long, flowing gowns like the ones his sisters dressed their dolls in.  His family’s drab, serviceable clothing stood out, and he felt a little embarrassed by how they looked.  His brothers and sisters didn’t seem to notice the crowd.  They were all huddled behind their mother, watching the argument with huge eyes.

Sometimes one of the people in the crowd would call out, agreeing with the tall man.  No one agreed with his father.  The only reactions aimed at his family were jeers and rude gestures.  Magellan sighed, and brushed back a lock of golden hair than had fallen over his eyes.  If someone gets mad at me, I just share a piece of candy with him and we forgive each other. 

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Well, that’s it!  Please let me know what you think!

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12 responses to “Auntie B’s Book Club Blogfest Contest

  1. Pingback: Hey! I was a Semi Finalist in that Pitch and First 250 Words Contest! « Jennifer M Eaton

  2. I read the pitch and thought it seemed like a whole different book. I did like your second pitch much more. Let the pub worry if its middlegrade or whatever.

  3. I liked your tagline but after reading the story, I kind of thought the following might be more on track of the ‘grab’ factor.

    A common boy unknowingly imprinted with dangerous powers of the Gods, must find a way to change his fate and the fate of his world before a jealous prince kills him.

    I think the first page is spot on. It is great insight into Magellan’s character. His need to be strong and not afraid in the face of anger and hostility. I think it’s perfect. I do have to agree with Robin in that I can see this first novel being geared toward a 12 – 14 year old age group. It can grow as your audience grows, but I think she might be on to something. It’s something to think about.

    I’m glad you joined in!!! Good luck. I hope you win. The story deserves to be seen and read. It’s awesome.

    • OMIGOSH!

      “A common boy unknowingly imprinted with dangerous powers of the Gods, must find a way to change his fate and the fate of his world before a jealous prince kills him.”

      How the FRIG did you come up with that? That’s actually awesome, but does it sound too much like Percy Jackson? Because, as you know, this is nothing like Percy Jackson.

      I’m trying to figure out how to make Magellan a little older when he gets taken away from his parents without ruining the continuity of the rest of the story. I’ve been considering it for a long time, but it’s just one of those “author things” that you cling to.

    • How about…

      A common boy unknowingly imprinted with the dangerous powers of the Goddess, must find a way to change his fate, and the fate of the galaxy, before a jealous prince manipulated by Darkness murders him.

      • ooo, i like!!

        As far as Magellan’s age, I know you want to change his age because of the whole middle – grade label, but…I like him 8. I love the scene when he’s taken away. The only way i can see this working like this and keep that first chapter is have it as a flashback, maybe. The second chapter he could actually be sitting in the aviary or something. Several years have passed. Academy doesn’t start until Gellan reaches let’s say fifteen or sixteen (just tossing out ages here). A lot of the info in the first few chapters could be dreams, flashbacks, told in conversations with the king, interactions with his friends at school. Man, I’d hate to see you re-write again because it’s just so darn good now. think, think.

      • btw, what were you doing up at 11:36 last night? *wink* Got the writing fever again, huh? I know. I’m inflicted, too.

  4. Well, having read the a whole draft, I have a bigger picture of where you’re going and that this child scene is just an intro to the greater story. It’s a weakness to the whole “post the first X number of words,” but the real intent is to grab your attention, but realistically, not all books, even good ones do that, so even the intent is flawed.
    Anyways…I agree with the comment above on the “infinite power” being a conflict killer. You’re instantly assured of his ultimate victory and begs the question why he needs to build an army. “Builds” is also a bit too intentional if he doesn’t really understand what’s coming. Perhaps “gathers a group of friends to stand with him against the coming darkness” or something to that effect. Also, in light of the seeming cosmic powers involved here, making his opponant just a jealous prince is a bit anticlimatic. BIG AWESOME POWERS AND COMING DARKNESS….and a jealous chap with a claim to nobility…yeah… Perhaps hint that the prince is the agent of the darkness and you make it a battle between opposing forces and avatars of greater powers. Much more impressive.

    • LOL! I totally agree that there is a lot more going on than that pitch says, but it’s so “Cog Biting Hard” to put that all into 35 words or less!

      I will fix the infinite power thing. You guys are right. His power really isn’t “infinite” It’s more like “Vast” or “unmeasurable” It’s definitely more power than any normal person shoud have.

      Thanks so much!

  5. The pitch has my attention and I think the book could be very cool. It does make me wonder how a boy with no memory of who he is even knows about the coming darkness, but I’m not sure that’s necessary for the pitch. Also, “infinite power” tends to be a conflict-killer. Is it REALLY infinite? How could he possibly fail with infinite power?

    The first page has a lot of great details in it, but the narrator is innocent and can’t tell me what’s going on. That’s not necessarily bad, but it does tend to diffuse the conflict. There’s a tremendous argument going on and I don’t feel any of the tension. Even the boy’s younger siblings are scared, but he’s completely unaffected by it. Ho, hum. Why don’t they all just eat candy? 🙂 I’d suggest giving him some sort of idea about what’s at stake, someone to root for in the argument, or at least a healthy fear of all the people who seem to hate them.

    Finally, you describe the genre as YA fantasy, but you use the word “boy” in your pitch and the POV character in the excerpt likes candy better than politics. It sounds more like Middle Grade to me. If this is a prologue and the bulk of the book is from an older perspective, I’d suggest starting out with an older character. Teens will read the back and the first page or so to decide if they’re going to relate to your characters. If they think you’re writing about elementary-age children, it might be hard to suck them in. Good luck!

    • Thanks, Robin. I’ve struggled with genre, because the main character does age from 8 years old to 15 in the book, but he spends the better part of the book as a teenager. I’ve had that concern, too, but I guess maybe it is something I really should consider dealing with. Thank you for the input!