“Can you hit a perfect pitch?” Writer’s Contest

Yay!  I love contests, especially when they mean MAJOR EXPOSURE.  Here’s a great one, sponsored by Brenda Drake.

Here’s the scoop (Copied from Brenda Drake’s website.)

Here’s how the contest is going down …

On January 15th post a two sentence pitch (no more than 35 words) along with the first 150 words (if it falls in the middle of a sentence, go to the end of that sentence) of your finished Young Adult or Middle Grade manuscript to your blogs. From January 15th-16th hop around each others’ blogs and critique or praise them. Revise your entries, if you want, and post them by 8:00am (EST) January 17th to the official entry post. DO NOT POST THEM TO THIS POST. If you want, you may skip the blogfest/critique portion of this contest and just enter the contest. I will have the official post up, along with details on how to format your entries, on January 15th so that you can start posting when you’re ready. To participate, sign up on the linky below. (Go to Brenda’s site to jump on the linky)

You want to know the prizes? The prize (or prizes) is a request to read more from agent, Ammi-Joan Paquette. I’m crossing my fingers for all of you. Have I told you how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE this agent? Okay, well, I can’t say it enough! I totally ❤ her!

What are you waiting for? Sign up now!

Here is my entry.  Please help me decide on Pitch #1 (My original pitch) or #2 (One I came up with tonight)

Please feel free to comment and/or make suggestions.

Genre: YA Science Fantasy
Word Count: 110,000

Pitch #1:

A common boy unknowingly imprinted with the dangerous powers of the Goddess, must find a way to change his fate and the fate of the galaxy, before a jealous prince manipulated by Darkness murders him.


A young boy, cursed with a power he cannot control, must save the Goddess before she is smothered by Darkness.  It would be easy, if he could only remember who he really is.

First 150 words:

“I’m not going to sit here locked in a closet all day.” Magellan pulled away from his mother, leaving his whimpering brothers and sisters clinging to her skirts.

“Magellan, come back here.”

“No. I wanna hear Dad’s speech.” He pressed his cheek against a large crack in the door and closed one eye.  Sconces lit the long stone hallway that lead to the auditorium. “I wish I could see something.”

“Get back mine scum!” A guard threw something against the door, slamming the wood against his face.

“Ouch,” Magellan rubbed his cheek. “Jerk.”

Footsteps clomped away, and his mother exhaled. “Magellan, your father said…”

“I know what he said.” Magellan furled his eyebrows.  “Right before they locked us in here.”  He flicked a bug from the damp stone wall beside him. “I’m not a baby anymore. I want to help.”

He ran his fingers across the locking plate, and jumped as flames flashed across the metal, spinning and swirling around it

Thanks for looking!


16 responses to ““Can you hit a perfect pitch?” Writer’s Contest

  1. I loved the first 150 words and I agree with everyone else that #2 packs a bigger punch for your pitch. 🙂

  2. Thanks everybody! Pitch number two it is! Funny, I worked on that first pitch for a long time several months ago for a different contest. The one everyone liked just shot out of my fingers. It’s not very artsy, but it is straight and to the point. 35 words is hard.

  3. I like the second one the best. There’s something about that last line that just sends goosebumps up my arms. 🙂

  4. And I’m agreeing with most everyone on the second pitch. It’s eye catching. The first 150 is good. I think you may have a typo here:
    Sconces lit the long stone hallway that lead (led) to the auditorium.

  5. I definitely like the second pitch better!
    I love your excerpt! It made me want to keep reading to find out what’s in his dad’s speech!
    Great job!

  6. Marie Gilbert

    I liked the second pitch and your story.

  7. great job! i like pitch #2 more – i have a better sense of the story from it.

  8. heatherishither

    I vote second pitch! Nice first 150 words as well. Good luck!

  9. Yes, the second works best – the ‘common’ threw me off in the first. As for the first 150 words, I had to read it twice, uncertain it was your opening scene. Maybe your first sentence shouldn’t be a dialogue line, but a quick descript of where we are and who is there?

  10. I vote for Pitch #2, Jennifer Eaton (with the the cool new signature*).

    It poses more specific challenges and dire (cue “Twilight Zone” sound track) consequences should your protag not meet his goal.

    Good luck

    Psst. I may enter this contest. But, not in competition with you. My misdiagnosed YA screams for a rewrite into an MG series.

    *If the signature has been around for eons, delete NEW, keep the rest of the sentence, and put me on your TSTL list.

  11. Can I just say first that I love that his name is Magellan?
    My gut says that pitch #2 is better, but they really emphasize different things. #1 mentions the prince, #2 mentions confused identity. Which is more important to your book?
    I like the first 150. Good start to the story.

  12. I’m going to disagree with the previous comments and go with Pitch #1. I think it gives more details of the story. The part where he is not sure who he really is seems confusing to me. The first 150 definitely has a great voice and really leaves you wanting to see what happens next. Great job 🙂

  13. I like the second one too. The one part that trips me up is the last line:
    It would be easy, if he could only remember who he really is.
    I wonder if “discover” would work better than “remember”? Unless he really has been made to forget.

  14. Oooh, definitely intrigued by the first 150 words! Nicely done! I’m in agreement that the second pitch is more appealing.

    Good luck!

  15. Julie Catherine

    Definitely the second pitch has more punch and active words – I think it has far more impact. Good luck in the contest, Jennifer 🙂 ~ Julie

  16. I like the second pitch better. Those first 150 words having me wanting more. Good job 🙂 Good luck in the contest.