Business cards that say what you really think!

Business cards that everyone wishes they had. How much fun could you have with these?

How many times have I wanted to tell someone off for their pi$$-poor parking? About a zillion times. But it always seemed kind of childish to sit in my car, for potentially hours, waiting to give someone a piece of my mind. Not to mention, there are a lot of crazies out there. How do I know that this person isn’t a poor parker due in large part to their being a card-carrying, knife-wielding psychopath?

***[Reblogged by permission from Natalie Hartford]***

Exactly! Play it safe Natalie. Walk away.

And I do.

But not without wishing, praying, and wanting so badly to say my piece!

And what about the dude that near knocked me over last week at the card store. His body odor was more than just foul…it was an assault! But…what do you say?!?! I mean…he was walking around apparently oblivious to the scent…as if he was fine with it when it was clear no one else was.

Don’t even get me started on one of my gal pals who is being such a dumba** right now dating a total douche bag and then complaining about it incessantly (I hope she isn’t reading my blog…)? I mean, I can only be outraged on her behalf the first 85 times. At some point, she stays and it’s on her. But how do you look a pal in the face and say “seriously…you are being an idiot!” without coming off as a total jerk?

Shikes…maybe I am just a jerk?!?! Anyway….

Or how about that snotty sales clerk? I thought she was getting paid to answer questions but by her twisted eye and head reaction, it seems it was insensitive of me to interrupt her text-fest.

Or the dismissive waitress who likely spit in my soup when I asked that it be reheated. Heaven forbid I want my tomato soup steamy?! Ya’d have thought I asked her to rebuild the pyramids!

I know I am not alone. I know y’all out there wanna let er’ fly sometimes!

I mean not without just cause. But for those special, ever singular, blood-pressure raising, steam-coming-out-of-ears moments!

Well…I found the perfect solution for us to keep it classy while still putting it all out there. Anonymously at that (if we so wish)!

Say hello to my new BFF, offensive business cards.

They say it all when I can’t! I can leave one discreetly on the parking pissant’s window…slip it on the sly into the pocket of the BO man.

Or hey, I could be bold and just pass them out…straight up…to the gal pal, the snotty sales clerk and the dismissive waitress. “Here’s a card…special…for you!” Triple Z SNAP! BAM!

With 100 cards and 8 different types perfect for common, everyday situation insult, I’ll be set. I mean…with cards like:

  • You Suck At Parking
  • You Smell Like Shit
  • Your Tattoos Are Retarded
  • Your Service Sucks
  • You’re Ugly As F**k
  • Santa Isn’t Real
  • You’re An Idiot

I’ll be letting er’ fly all over the place!

I’ll be known as the offensive, card-carrying, urban redneck version of Bill Engvall. You know, the stand-up comedian who hates stupid people and has the hilarious skits “here’s your sign.”


There I’ll be…”Here’s your card…

The fun I could have with these….be the best $15 I’d spend in ages!

Tell me about a time you could have used one of these offensive business cards? Come on…no one will think less of you here! Or…if you could customize them, what would be your most used offensive business card and why? Come on…share the wealth…

It’s Twisted Tuesday and that means it’s time to enjoy a smile, giggle or laugh…here’s hoping I’ve provided it in spades…enjoy!

You can read more Natalie at


13 responses to “Business cards that say what you really think!

  1. Having been on the receiving end of shoddy customer service recently, I actually laughed out loud (and frightened the cat on my lap!) at the YOUR SERVICE SUCKS. I may not have items to drag over shards of glass, but it paints quite a picture, doesn’t it! Thanks for reblogging this from Natalie. Hysterical!

  2. Looks like I need a few new cards!

  3. Excellent! lol 🙂


  4. Oh. My. Gosh. These are soooo flipping hilarious. I love this idea. I’d carry a whole box with my in my purse! 🙂

  5. These cards are such a great idea! The parking one would be great for my friend with MS who gets so pi$$ed off when someone parks in a handicap spot without the appropriate tag. She actually printed out what looked like a parking ticket, with rude comments about their inconsideration, for just such an occasion and would put it on their windshields.

  6. I love Bill Engvall! Hilarious.

    I like most of these cards, but I’d only use the ones that apply to things people can change: the parking (please!), the terrible service, or yes, coughing all over people. The ones saying people are ugly or their tattoos are stupid aren’t trying to make anything better, they’re just being mean and making people feel bad for things they can’t change. I’d hand out constructive criticism cards (even amusingly rude ones), but not bullying ones. That, to me, is taking a funny idea too far. I don’t like hurting people.

    But oh, the times I’ve needed variations on the parking one! I’d love a “nice parking, jackass,” a “your car is nice, but it doesn’t deserve four parking spots,” and a friend and I have often wished for “Nice Hummer, sorry ’bout your penis” notes.

    OK, maybe I can be a bit mean… 😉

  7. Ha. That first card made me laugh out loud.
    I love the fish by the way.

  8. I would like one addressing covering one’s mouth when coughing, especially in tight places like elevators where you are stuck in the same air space. But the parking one is too funny!

  9. I want the parking one…just a whole box of that one. Pet peeve!

  10. ha ha – although I am one of those people who cannot park properly to save her life!

  11. How I wish. I wonder if enough people handed these out enough times, would the people in question get it?
    This is a hilarious post.