Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The Second (x2) 250 Words of my New Novel, OPTIMAL RED

Posted on April 21, 2013 | 8 Comments

Sunday_SnippetsOh Yeah!

It’s the Sunday Snippets

Critique Blog Hop!

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In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.  Don’t have a post of your own?  We’d love a critique anyway!  And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

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Here we have the revised second page of my new novel Optimal Red, which is the sequel to LAST WINTER RED from the Make Believe Anthology.

I added a little imagery since last posting it.  Does it help to pull you deeper into Henry’s world?

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Henry took a deep breath and took in the room around him. The unembellished gray walls had always provided a sense of comfort and security. The thought of leaving this safe haven sent a whisper of butterflies through his stomach.  How long would it be before he would see this room again, before he’d see his mother and siblings again?  Weeks? Months?

A stiff jerk tested his posture as his mother gave a final tug on his shirt.  “There.  Your wife will be pleased.”

He brushed his lips against her forehead.  “I will make you proud, mother.”

She nodded, walking him to the door.  “Be sure that you do.”

The finality of leaving his childhood home tingled in the air as the door slid shut behind him. Longs days of carefully structured lessons and exercise had prepared him for this day. But fear, rather than excitement had greeted him as first light woke him this morning.

Where would he live? Would his wife be pleased with him? What would he say when they were introduced? He rubbed his temples and steadied himself. His questions could only be answered by living the life he’d been born for.

The stark gray hallway echoed with his solitary footsteps.  Any other day he would have walked toward the right, to the common rooms and study areas.  Only once before had he taken the left passage, walking the long, seldom-traveled hallway that lead to the lower regions of Terra.  He’d accompanied his father that day, seeing him off to his new assignment in the agricultural center.  Henry had bubbled with excitement, not knowing that his father would never return.

Luckily for the family, his father had the chance to validate himself eight times before his death.  While hardly a large family, eight children, all rated Red, was still an agreeable showing for the council.

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The Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop is on!

Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list.  The more the merrier!swish swivel squiggle 2

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

Note:  Those who have not been participating have been removed.

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

https://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

http://joeowensblog.wordpress.com/

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8 responses to “Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The Second (x2) 250 Words of my New Novel, OPTIMAL RED”

  1. caitlinstern | April 23, 2013 at 10:59 pm |

    I agree–the extra details are excellent. Especially all the extra details on how the system works. 8 kids is decent, but not large? He’s got some big goals to meet!
    And the “how long will it be” question makes me wonder how the marriages work–is he stuck there until his wife is pregnant? Intriguing, indeed.
    I’m not sure about the “What would he say when they were introduced?” line, though. I get the feeling of rigid structure everywhere else, I’d expect him to have something he’s supposed to say–like the structure of marriage vows, or maybe just a standard greeting, you know?

    • Jennifer M Eaton | April 24, 2013 at 7:55 am |

      The reason for that line is to make it clear that he has never met this girl before. They will be introduced and then married immediately. Did you get this idea from this line?

      • caitlinstern | April 24, 2013 at 3:10 pm |

        Hmm… I already knew he hadn’t met his future wife from previous Snippets, so I didn’t even think of that.
        Yes, the use of ‘introduced’ makes that fact clear. Maybe I was over-thinking it…

  2. Let's CUT the Crap! | April 22, 2013 at 10:08 pm |

    I burst out laughing at, “…his father had the chance to validate himself eight times before his death. While hardly a large family, eight children…” I love this validation.

    Indeed, I see you’ve made changes and yes, Henry has more presence and I feel more for him.

  3. M. Ziegler | April 21, 2013 at 2:15 pm |

    I agree that the subtle changes help engulf you into the story-or more his discomfort. You can feel the Nervous and unsure atomsphere. Love it.

  4. Ileandra Young | April 21, 2013 at 10:13 am |

    ‘A whisper of butterflies;’ that’s lovely, an unusual mix that really strikes a chord with me.

    ‘his questions could only be answered by living the life he’d been born for’ is a great line.

    I certainly prefer this version. The changes aren’t huge, but I feel far closer to it all with the changes you’ve made.

  5. kford2007 | April 21, 2013 at 8:50 am |

    I loved it except for the ‘unembellished walls”. It doesn’t capture the mood of the scene. Perhaps dour or bleak, dreary, dismal, or cheerless. I think those words reflect the ‘feeling’ of the scene more than unembellished. JMHO. 🙂