Oh Yeah! It’s the Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop!
In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued. Then everyone hops around to critique others. Don’t have a post of your own? We’d love a critique anyway! And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)
Okay… Here’s mine. This is 250 words of my YA Urban Fantasy: “Fire in the Woods”. Right before this scene, our MC Jess runs into the woods chasing a deer. (That is the”buck” mentioned in the last line) Then all of the sudden…
A screeching noise filled the forest, swirling like a smoke alarm gone haywire. A hollow hum developed behind the squawking invasion as a jolt of stabbing pain tore into my brain. I slammed my hands against my ears, but I couldn’t fight the drills boring inside me. Head pounding, I cried out in agony, but I my own voice fell victim to the onslaught of vibrations exploding through my cranium.
I dropped to my knees. “Please stop! Make it stop!”
The squalling reverberated, encompassing everything. Tears pooled in my eyes, blurring my vision before trailing down my cheeks. I cried out in misery, until it stopped abruptly.
I shook, reeling from the sudden silence. A faint hum lingered, a frightening reminder of the noise’s intensity. Hands still covering my ears, I sucked in a careful, short breath and slowly dared another. Holding as still as possible, I braced for another auditory attack, and thanked the Lord when it didn’t come. I scanned the trees, at a loss as to what could have made such a noise.
Sobbing, I blinked back fresh tears, and wiped my cheek clean. A leaf fell to the ground at my feet, but the rest of the forest remained motionless. The chirping birds had vanished. Nothing stirred to disrupt the eerie quiet—not even a gentle rustle of the wind.
I spun, startled by a thrash behind a large fallen tree. Ignoring the instinct to flee like the buck, I inched forward and peeked over the log.
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Jennifer M Eaton 
‘Head pounding, I cried out in agony, but I my own voice fell victim to the onslaught of vibrations exploding through my cranium.’ I’m not sure I’m reading this line right, but I don’t think I understand it clearly. It’s the middle part about her ‘own voice’ that doesn’t seem clear; maybe take a look at that.
I love the word ‘squalling.’ You don’t see it very often, but it’s perfect for what you’re putting across here.
‘I cried out in misery’ I’m not certain you need the misery part. We already have a pretty clear idea of how she must feel, your previous description of her pain is pretty solid. Save yourself some words.
After such a terrible assault on the senses, particularly one that had no discernible source, would anybody ignore the flight response to something else unexpected? In an otherwise excellent snippet, this offered me a credibility issue. Though without knowing much more about Jess, this is all I know, so you may have covered this elsewhere.
Still looking forward to reading more. I don’t normally do YA, but I’m thinking of giving it a go if it’s calibre matches yours. 🙂
Awe that’s so sweet thanks. I’ll look at this more closely
I have nothing new to add except to say I AM curious about what the sound is and where it’s coming from. Love the tension because I feel it.
Awesome. Thanks!
Awesome snippet, Jennifer, with excellent tension. I caught the extra “I” as well. Also, I’m wondering if you can make the wording stronger in, “A screeching noise filled the forest” – perhaps something like, “The calm of the forest was shattered by wild screeching” …. or something similar, leaving out the word, “noise”, which is passive. I enjoyed reading this! 🙂
Wow, that’s an intense experience! My ears ache in sympathy.
Minor detail: an extra ‘I’ snuck into “but I my own voice fell victim.”
I’m with cheryl on the noise. Something that horrible, your ears would be ringing for a while afterwards, and you’d be a bit deafened for a time. After a noisy club or loud concert, it takes your ears some time to recover.
I love the way she reacts after it’s over, hardly daring to breathe. It feels like the forest is right there with her, stunned senseless.
Hmmm. Her ears are ringing, but maybe that’s not clear in this part. I’ll look at it more closely. Thanks!
Wow, great drama and I love the unique nature of the sonic episode. Good job!
Thank you
Woah. You have definitely piqued my interest. I so want to find out what happens next and what that noise was. I am also curious as to why the character is following a buck. You raise so many questions, and the description definitely pulls the reader into the story, moment, and scene.
I think an auditory attack would also have elements that affect the vision (besides the tears) and regaining one’s balance, but then again, I’m not sure I’ve ever suffered an auditory attack that intense. 🙂
P.S. Awesome blog hop! It’s really great that you’ve provided this opportunity. I hope to participate one day.
Thanks. I’ll do some research on the vision thing.
Reblogged this on The Ranting Papizilla and commented:
Blog hopping is fun people. There are rules to this one, check them out, then check out the sites…..
Thanks!
This sounds really interesting! Can anyone that has a WIP join? I’m working on my very first novel and would love some helpful critiques.
I guess I will have to do this next Sunday. I should leave my web address to huh? 😉
http://jlroeder.wordpress.com
I’ll add you in now and see if we can get you a few bites
Oh oh, I better get some of my novel posted then. I also need to add the snippet button. Thanks Jennifer!