Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The First 250 Words of my New Novel, OPTIMAL RED

Posted on March 24, 2013 | 19 Comments

Sunday_SnippetsOh Yeah!

It’s the Sunday Snippets

Critique Blog Hop!

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In this hop, participants post 250 words of their work in progress to be critiqued.  Then everyone hops around to critique others.  Don’t have a post of your own?  We’d love a critique anyway!  And next time you can sign up yourself (see below)

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All right.  Call me crazy… but I don’t have anything else to post… So I am posting the first 250 words of my new novel which is the sequel to LAST WINTER RED from the Make Believe Anthology.

I just wrote this about three hours ago, and it has not been proofed.

Yeah.  I’m nuts.

What I’m looking for is world-building.  Can you feel the world? There is no scenery yet.  What would you like to see in this scene to help you visualize?

This is a sequel.  For those of you who have read LAST WINTER RED: Does this draw you right back into that world?

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“It’s not every day a man gets to meet his wife. You should be excited.”

Henry smoothed the red cuffs accenting his tapered black shirt.  “I am, Mother. But this is the most important day of my life. I’m a little nervous.”

“Pish.  Today you are just getting married.  Nine months from now, when you validate yourself with your first child—that will be the most important day of your life.” She brushed non-existent lint from his shoulders.

“Of course mother.” Henry held perfect, stiff posture as his mother moved around him, her long red skirt shifting at her ankles as she straightened every seam.

“There.” She stepped back, smiling.  “As perfect as any young Red could be—and so handsome.”

“I’m sure I’m no more handsome than any other, mother.”

She shook her head.  “Nonsense.  You are ten times the Red of any of your siblings.  You’ll be wed highly.  I guarantee it.”

She picked up a pitcher from the table and poured two glasses of water.

“Were you frightened, Mother, on your wedding day?”

“Frightened? No, of course not.  Excited was more the word.  This is the day all Reds are born for—to finally have the opportunity to join society, to add your distinction to the world.  Your father and I validated ourselves on our wedding day, you know.”

Henry bit back his laugh.  “Yes, Ma’am, you’ve told us all many times.”

She handed him a glass.  “None of your siblings have granted our family the prestige of a wedding day conception.  I look forward to good news tomorrow morning.”

“I will do my best, Mother.” He bowed his head.

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The Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop is on!

Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list.  The more the merrier!swish swivel squiggle 2

Click on over to these great writers to check out and critique what they’ve posted!

Note:  Those who have not been participating have been removed.

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/

http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/

http://ileandrayoung.com

http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com

https://jennifermeaton.com/

http://richardleonard.wordpress.com

http://jordannaeast.com

http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/

http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com

http://jlroeder.wordpress.com

http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/

http://ashortaday.wordpress.com

http://mandyevebarnett.com/

http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

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19 responses to “Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The First 250 Words of my New Novel, OPTIMAL RED”

  1. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: 250 Words of my New Short Story, A PINCH OF SUGAR (4/7) | Joe's Musings

  2. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: 250 Words of my New Short Story, A PINCH OF SUGAR (3/31) | Joe's Musings

  3. Ileandra Young | March 30, 2013 at 2:14 pm |

    Love your dialogue, that’s a consistent strength of yours and it’s great to see that’s the case even in first draft.

    This world is intriguing. I can feel the tension zinging through the conversation and the press of how important this is. Quite hard to do in so few words.

    So yes, while there is no description and I certainly feel the world we’re in. And I’m glad I’m not there! ^_^

  4. katemsparkes | March 25, 2013 at 5:19 pm |

    Wow. I need to read more of this.

  5. debyfredericks | March 24, 2013 at 8:16 pm |

    I can certainly visualize the characters and their dress, and the pressure is surely piled on! Would be interested in more about the physical surroundings, and who else there is besides the (evidently elite) Reds. Definitely an intriguing start.

  6. mandyevebarnett | March 24, 2013 at 6:58 pm |

    Super start I got a sense that his mother was pressuring him a great deal for the honor of the Red’s. Would a mention of the actual room/area they are in help? Good hook for the reader.

  7. caitlinstern | March 24, 2013 at 3:54 pm |

    I’d say you do a great job of showing your world in such a brief number of words. His cuff, her skirt, and then she calls him a Red–it’s clear the color is important and symbolic, even if the reader doesn’t know exactly what.
    And Mommy Dearest there, oh, boy! The pressure she’s putting on him to be perfect where his other siblings failed… Poor guy, it can’t end well.
    I felt I was missing a sense of time relative to the marriage ceremony, and their location. It feels like he’s getting married soon, but I waffled between him being like a bride almost ready to walk down the aisle, or getting ready to leave for the church.
    If I knew those things within a few paragraphs, I’d be a happy reader.

  8. Let's CUT the Crap! | March 24, 2013 at 3:35 pm |

    I like the clipped tone Henry uses. I wonder if he’s more looking forward to getting out from under his bossy, I mean loving mother’s thumb. The tension is awesome.
    I wonder if you might consider moving ‘but’ to in front of, “I’m a little nervous.”
    Henry smoothed the red cuffs accenting his tapered black shirt. “I am, Mother. BUT this is the most important day of my life. I’m a little nervous.”
    Who wouldn’t be nervous with the pressure he’s under: “…the prestige of a wedding day conception.

  9. jmmcdowell | March 24, 2013 at 2:24 pm |

    Whew, looks like Henry’s in for quite a day! You’re definitely giving the reader a sense of the world and the importance of procreating for the Reds. I’d say you’re off to a good start on the draft.

  10. M. Ziegler | March 24, 2013 at 2:00 pm |

    Love the symbolic red, the dialogue, and the scene. It is a new take to hear the mans perspective and fear. Mom does come across as high pressure. Not sure if that’s a set up for the future failure or disappointments. Can’t wait to see where this sequel is going. Is this going to be a standalone or another short in a collection?

    • Jennifer M Eaton | March 24, 2013 at 10:40 pm |

      It looks like this is going to be a novel-length stand-alone. Since I will be showing Terra in this work, the amount of world-building just can’t fit into anything too short.

  11. Julie Catherine | March 24, 2013 at 12:21 pm |

    Intriguing opener, Jennifer, I like it! I also like that it’s a man who is doing the questioning about the wedding – quite a reversal from what we usually see … and that’s a draw in itself. Awesome! 🙂

  12. Pingback: Sunday Snippet Critique Blog Hop | J. Keller Ford ~ Young Adult Fantasy Author

  13. kford2007 | March 24, 2013 at 9:44 am |

    Wow, mom seems like such a b…I mean, lovely person. Love the feel of the setting and you answered a question I had before: if there were “Red” men. I was’t sure if ‘Red’ was assigned only to women or not. I like what you have so far. I feel for Henry.

  14. Joe Owens | March 24, 2013 at 9:41 am |

    Hey Jennifer. I want to join this blog hop. here is my try for this week. Let me know if I am needing to do something more. http://joeowensblog.wordpress.com/2013/03/24/sunday-snippets-critique-blog-hop-the-first-250-words-of-my-new-short-story-a-pinch-of-sugar/

  15. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop: The First 250 Words of my New Short Story, A PINCH OF SUGAR | Joe's Musings