Tag Archives: Online Writing

Write a Story with Me # 36 – Daddy wake up! by Jennifer M. Eaton

Posted on March 25, 2013 | 5 comments

I’m bringing it back to the battle string this week, ’cause that’s where the party’s at!  Let’s rock!

36 – Jennifer M. Eaton – “Daddy, wake up!”

Yoran lulled in and out of consciousness.  Echoing blasts of battle and the throttling of wind pummeled his mind.

“Daddy, Daddy wake up.” Marci’s voice seeped into his internal chaos.

Oh! What a foul ogre a mind could be, taunting him with the voice of his beloved daughter, when he knew she was lost.  The vision of meek, weary Marci falling to her death grated against his soul, tearing and ripping to the point of insanity.

“Daddy!”

Yoran blinked twice.  His eyes stung, accosted by the sunlight shining from above.  Heaven?  Was this the great light he was to travel to?

A dark figure blotted out the sun, a form not unlike a small girl.  “Daddy, can you hear me?”  Tiny finger grabbed his shoulders, and his body shook.  “Daddy, can you feel me?”

A larger figure passed through his vision, and his face stung as a cold hand slapped him nearly off the table.

“Let’s see if he felt that.” The angry woman’s voice sliced into his heart–the same voice he’d heard pluck him from the sky.

“Sian?” His raspy voice barely sputtered the name.  His eyes focused, and she re-folded her arms, her eyes hard and glaring, just as they had been the last time he woke. She was really there.  This wasn’t a dream.

Mustering all his energy, he pulled himself to a sitting position.  His head pounded as he reached out to his eldest daughter.

Sian spat on the floor beside him.  “Save your strength, Father.  You’re going to need it.”

Write a Story with Me is a group endeavor just for the fun of it.  A different writer adds a new 250 words each week.  It is the ultimate Flash Fiction Challenge!

If you’d like to sign up, come on over.  There’s always room for more!

Parts One – Twenty Nine Click Here

Part Thirty — Richard Leonard

Part Thirty-One —Sharon Manship

Part Thirty-Two — Shannon Christensen

Part Thirty-Three — Danielle Ackley McPhail

Part Thirty-Four — Siv Maria Ottem

Part Thirty-Five — Susan Roebuck

Part Thirty-Six — Jennifer M. Eaton

Don’t forget to stop by next week to see what happens next.

  Elin Gregory — TAG!  You are “It”

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Write a Story with Me # 33 – What? OH NO! She didn’t! by Danielle Ackley McPhail

Posted on March 4, 2013 | 8 comments

Last week Janelle took off — literally, leaving the old lady with Mommy bleeding to death and in a ton of trouble.  What’s gonna happen?  Here’s Danielle Ackley McPhail’s first contribution to our story!

33- Danielle Ackley McPhail – Wait, she’s who?  What?  OH NO!  She didn’t!

Morana watched her unsuspecting daughter go, her lips tightly set and her eyes sad. She remembered more than a time before the faeries were looked on as vermin…she remembered when they had been kin with humans. When all kind were linked and not separate.

How dark and grim the world had become since that time.

With a sigh she turned back to her patient. Poor Natalia, forsaken by all and sundry; all but Morana, and now that the last witness was gone it was time to see to mother and babe.

Queen Morath of the fae shed the weight of her borrowed years, shed her human form, the aches and pains and the blurring of her eyes. All fell away like flakes of skin to dust leaving the most beautiful and powerful of fae standing over the human woman, who sprawled upon the floor in her own blood, the babe’s cord still trailing from her body, wet and glistening.

“tsk…let’s clean you up, my lovely, shall we?” Nearer to human height than the diminutive size the fae had become in the after-time, Morath bent gracefully down, folded the delicate membranes of her wings back and safely away from the mess on the floor before reaching out one ivory-pale hand to trail through Natalia’s hair and down the curve of her back. Magic sparkled in the air at the touch as like recognized like deep within the two races now drastically different. Queen of life and death as well as fae, Morath ordered the woman’s lifeblood back within the confines of her veins and wicked away both sweat and blood normal to the birthing of children, and with it the memory of that night’s ordeal…all of it. Natalia remain unconscious—blessedly so—as the faerie queen scooped up the woman’s son to cradle in immortal arms.

The child cooed and burbled, making the faerie queen laugh before she grew somber once more. “Come, Verval. For your own safety and theirs, you need be the price for my healing.”
And Morath rose in a cloud of glittering motes, secreting the foretold boy away before any harm might come to him or his parents for bearing him.

Write a Story with Me is a group endeavor just for the fun of it.  A different writer adds a new 250 words each week.  It is the ultimate Flash Fiction Challenge!

If you’d like to sign up, come on over.  There’s always room for more!

Part One – Jennifer M. Eaton

Part Two – J. Keller Ford

Part Three – Susan Roebuck

Part Four – Elin Gregory

Part Five – Eileen Snyder

Part Six – Mikaela Wire

Part Seven — Vanessa Chapman

Part Eight — Ravena Guron

Part Nine – Vikki Thompson

Part Ten — Susan Rocan mywithershins

Part Eleven — Kate Johnston  AKA 4AMWriter

Part Twelve — Julie Catherine

Part Thirteen — Kai Damian

Part Fourteen — Richard Leonard

Part Fifteen — Sharon Manship

Part Sixteen – Shannon Blue Christensen

Part Seventeen — Bryn Jones

Part Eighteen — Jennifer M. Eaton

Part Nineteen — Shannon Burton

Part Twenty — J.Keller Ford

Part Twenty-One — Susan Roebuck

Part Twenty-Two — Elin Gregory

Part Twenty-Three — Aparnauteur

Part Twenty-Four — Vanessa Chapman

Part Twenty-Five — Ravena Guron

Part Twenty Six — Susan Rocan

Part Twenty Seven — Kate Johnson AKA 4AMWriter

Part Twenty Eight – Julie Catherine

Part Twenty Nine — Kai Damian

Part Thirty — Richard Leonard

Part Thirty-One —Sharon Manship

Part Thirty-Two — Shannon Christensen

Part Thirty-Three — Danielle Ackley McPhail

Don’t forget to stop by next week to see what happens next.

Siv Maria Ottem— TAG!  You are “It”

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Write a Story With Me #32 – Janelle’s Choice with Shannon Christensen

Posted on February 25, 2013 | 3 comments

Last week the baby finally arrived, but it looks like Mommy is in big trouble!  Will she be okay?  Let’s find out!

Take it away Shannon!

32- Shannon Christensen

Janelle hesitated.

If she followed Morana’s instructions to get help, Natalia might live and the boy might grow up healthy, wealthy, and destructive. This baby could destroy them all – fairies and humans, regardless of Janelle’s help.

She considered this. The boy could turn out to be like Marci, and could be helpful to Janelle’s people. Then again, maybe not. If he were more like Bethany, then all the risks and sacrifices made by Marci, by Sian, by Janosc, by herself and so many others would be futile.

She did not have to help. She should not have helped earlier by bringing Morana. Certainly, the humans would not have helped a fairy mother. She could simply leave Natalia and the boy in Morana’s care and let luck or fate have her way.

Natalia moaned again and Morana pleaded.

Janelle watched.
As a mother, Janelle sympathized with the compulsion to care for an infant. As Marci’s friend, Janelle sympathized with the potential loss of a family member. As the new queen of the fairies, however, she understood that her own feelings were nothing compared to her peoples’ needs. She had accepted this when she ate the leaf. She had not expected to have to act so quickly on this new prioritization.

Janelle sighed. She would do what was best for the many, and not only the few.

“No.”

“But, you must!”

“No. I must not.” Janelle turned and flew away from the house for the last time.

Write a Story with Me is a group endeavor just for the fun of it.  A different writer adds a new 250 words each week.  It is the ultimate Flash Fiction Challenge!

If you’d like to sign up, come on over.  There’s always room for more!

Part One – Jennifer M. Eaton

Part Two – J. Keller Ford

Part Three – Susan Roebuck

Part Four – Elin Gregory

Part Five – Eileen Snyder

Part Six – Mikaela Wire

Part Seven — Vanessa Chapman

Part Eight — Ravena Guron

Part Nine – Vikki Thompson

Part Ten — Susan Rocan mywithershins

Part Eleven — Kate Johnston  AKA 4AMWriter

Part Twelve — Julie Catherine

Part Thirteen — Kai Damian

Part Fourteen — Richard Leonard

Part Fifteen — Sharon Manship

Part Sixteen – Shannon Blue Christensen

Part Seventeen — Bryn Jones

Part Eighteen — Jennifer M. Eaton

Part Nineteen — Shannon Burton

Part Twenty — J.Keller Ford

Part Twenty-One — Susan Roebuck

Part Twenty-Two — Elin Gregory

Part Twenty-Three — Aparnauteur

Part Twenty-Four — Vanessa Chapman

Part Twenty-Five — Ravena Guron

Part Twenty Six — Susan Rocan

Part Twenty Seven — Kate Johnson AKA 4AMWriter

Part Twenty Eight – Julie Catherine

Part Twenty Nine — Kai Damian

Part Thirty — Richard Leonard

Part Thirty-One — Sharon Manship

Part Thirty-Two — Shannon Christensen

Don’t forget to stop by next week to see what happens next.

Danielle Ackley McPhail — TAG!  You are “It”

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Write a Story with Me Part 30 – To Janelle’s Horror “What?” – With Richard Leonard

Posted on February 11, 2013 | 8 comments

Surprise!  I’m changing the day for “Write a Story with Me” from Tuesdays to Mondays.  Why?  Well, ’cause I can!  Here we go!

It’s been nearly a month since we saw Marci’s poor mom go into labor all alone!  Richard Leonard throws it back to  the birth string this week.  Will Janelle get help in time?  Take it away, Richard!

30 – Richard Leonard

Janelle was already out the bedroom door before realising the old woman was still fumbling for her walking stick. She watched helplessly as Morana shuffled unsteadily across the short distance from the bed to the other side of the night-stand where her walking stick rested, using the night-stand for support. Janelle’s mood fell as she realised how frail the old lady now was. Her magic could only do so much.

“I’m sorry, Morana. I wasn’t aware you cannot -”

“I can do this, Young Fairy. I must do this”, Morana said.

Janelle, said nothing, guilt building within her. To drag this weak old dear out into the cold night to help a woman giving birth seemed to be a cruel irony. Patience, Janelle, patience. At the same time she needed to hurry. The longer Natalia was without proper assistance the more dangerous the situation becomes.

Morana finally had the support of her stick and began a steady rhythm of shuffling towards the door and out of the house. Janelle, to ease her impatience and peace of mind,  would fly up and down the street and patrol the area while Morana hobbled slowly towards Natalia’s residence. At the end of every run she would check on Natalia through the window, carefully ensuring she was still in a stable condition, sometimes offering reassurance that help was on its way.

On the way back she would arrive with relief to find that Morana had made significant progress walking up the street. This continued for several shortening laps until, to Janelle’s horror,

Oh!  The mid sentance stop!  What a way to leave it.  Someone’s quaking in their booth figuring out what Janelle saw!

Write a Story with Me is a group endeavor just for the fun of it.  A different writer adds a new 250 words each week.  It is the ultimate Flash Fiction Challenge!

If you’d like to sign up, come on over.  There’s always room for more!

Part One – Jennifer M. Eaton

Part Two – J. Keller Ford

Part Three – Susan Roebuck

Part Four – Elin Gregory

Part Five – Eileen Snyder

Part Six – Mikaela Wire

Part Seven — Vanessa Chapman

Part Eight — Ravena Guron

Part Nine – Vikki Thompson

Part Ten — Susan Rocan mywithershins

Part Eleven — Kate Johnston  AKA 4AMWriter

Part Twelve — Julie Catherine

Part Thirteen — Kai Damian

Part Fourteen — Richard Leonard

Part Fifteen — Sharon Manship

Part Sixteen – Shannon Blue Christensen

Part Seventeen — Bryn Jones

Part Eighteen — Jennifer M. Eaton

Part Nineteen — Shannon Burton

Part Twenty — J.Keller Ford

Part Twenty-One — Susan Roebuck

Part Twenty-Two — Elin Gregory

Part Twenty-Three — Aparnauteur

Part Twenty-Four — Vanessa Chapman

Part Twenty-Five — Ravena Guron

Part Twenty Six — Susan Rocan

Part Twenty Seven — Kate Johnson AKA 4AMWriter

Part Twenty Eight – Julie Catherine

Part Twenty Nine — Kai Damian

Part Thirty — Richard Leonard

Don’t forget to stop by next week to see what happens next.

 Sharon Manship — TAG!  You are “It”

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Have you ever made a promise you never expected to keep? A review of “Beginning of Forever” by Terri Rochenski

Posted on December 19, 2012 | 15 comments

Yes, I am still on my blog tour for “Make Believe” and “For the Love of Christmas” but today is one of those great days when I can hop back here and share a little love.

This was a crazy idea, but at the time it seemed like a good one when I agreed.  Terri Rochenski, who is an anthology buddy from “Make Believe” is also in a Christmas anthology that was just released.  “Christmas Magic” is available now for your Snuggly holiday reading pleasure.

Anyway, we decided to review each other’s stories on the same day.  (Yeah, no pressure)  So, to read her review of my story “Connect the Dots” from the “For the Love of Christmas” anthology, click HERE to hop on over to Terri’s site.  I’ll be jumping over there in a minute with you to see what she said.

But in the meantime, let’s Chat about Terri’s story.

Now, Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy, right?

DON’T SAY NO!  I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

Anyway, this is my conundrum:  I’m reading “The Beginning of Forever”, ready for an uplifting romance… and it starts off on page one with the love of her life DYING.

What

Where’s the love?  Where’s the joy? What’s going to happen to that dinner she has in the oven?

Dang, I was bawling my freaking eyes out!

I could not, in my right mind, figure out where she was going with this… and then “it” happened. I figured it out.

This is not really a story about Christmas.

It is not even really what I would consider a Romance.

This is a story about coming to grips with life, and finding a way to cope.  This is a story about moving on, about self-discovery, and using your past to guide your future.

Terri realistically weaves this 50’s based historical “romance” into a story that will leave you wiping the tears from your eyes and turning pages, begging for everything to turn out all right.

As for the title of this review: Have you ever made a promise you never expected to keep? I need to keep that to myself because it’s a spoiler… but that is also what this story is about… Keeping promises because you have to, not because you want to, and then dealing with finding out you want to keep your promise after all.

This is a wonderfully spun tale that Rochenski should be very proud of.

My only gripe is that it is sandwiched in an anthology of more whimsical tales, and I’m not sure the readers of the “lighter” stories enclosed will “get” the depth of emotion and strength of this story. This is not a light fun read.  This is more centered to someone who enjoys something with more serious content.  Absolutely well done.

Okay… now I’m hopping over to see what she said about mine… Coming with me?

Are ya back? I hope what she said was nice.  As for comments, let’s keep with the title… “Have you ever made a promise you never expected to keep?”  Well, have you?

JenniFer_EatonF

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Give that Publisher What They Want DERNIT: The Basics #2 – Identifiers

Posted on November 30, 2012 | 20 comments

We interrupt this post to announce that USA Today is featuring my anthology “For the Love of Christmas” in a blurb in their “Life” Section.  Can I hear an “Oh Yeah!” Click here to see it!

Eh-hem — now back to our regularly scheduled program.

I am uber stoker to be able to dig into the wild and crazy brain of someone who is out there doing this crazy publishing stuff professionally. When you read this, you’re gonna want to slap yourself silly, because this is hearing it right from someone who does this for a living. For the next few weeks, we will be delving into the slush pile with Danielle Ackley-McPhail

Here we go…

The Writer’s Toolbox: Give ’Em What They Want! Why Formatting Is Important By Danielle Ackley-McPhail

(Originally published in Allegory Magazine ©2011)

—————————————————————–

So far, we’ve discussed that nothing will help your manuscript if the editor in question is not even willing to read it.

Last week, we discussed remembering your contact information.

This week, we’re going to dig through the second basics to get your foot in the door… How to identify yourself, and your manuscript.

The Basics #2

Identifiers. To simplify I’m grouping several things under this heading, so bear with me.

Title – you would be amazed how many people neglect to put titles on their manuscripts (coincidentally enough, more than a few of them are the ones who forgot contact information as well).

Name – your pen name or your legal name, whichever one you write under. Editors like to know whose work they are reading and what should appear on a published work (should you be fortunate enough to make a sale.) The problem is that if the contact information is missing and there is no title or author name, the publisher has absolutely no way of cross-referencing to try and determine what story goes with which submission email (assuming they will even try).

Page Numbers – now you might be thinking “But manuscripts are electronic, how can the pages get out of order?” Well first, you can’t assume that whoever receives the manuscript won’t prefer to review a hardcopy. Second, even if they are reviewing something electronically it is easier for them to make notes or track back if there are page numbers to reference.

Running Heads – This is the space at the top of the page (starting with page 2) where you put the story/book title, the page number, and your legal last name. This is so no pages go missing and the editor knows what they are reading.

Author Bio – Optional, but a good thing to include, particularly if you have a few sales under your belt, but only if they are professional sales of note, not a piece of flash fiction you sold to a fanzine. What this tells the editor is that you are already established.

Besides the more practical reasons for not omitting any of the above information, consider that it is just plain sloppy and unprofessional. This isn’t a matter of wanting to impress the editor, it is showing them that you are not an amateur without a clue. Professionalism will do much to smooth over any other short fallings you have, in the editor’s eye.

Next week we’ll talk about FORMAT

Be there or be square, or, ummm… rejected?

Award-winning author Danielle Ackley-McPhail has worked both sides of the publishing industry for over seventeen years. Currently, she is a project editor and promotions manager for Dark Quest Books.

Her published works include four urban fantasy novels, Yesterday’s Dreams, Tomorrow’s Memories, Today’s Promise, and The Halfling’s Court: A Bad-Ass Faerie Tale. She is also the author of a single-author collection of science fiction stories called A Legacy of Stars, the non-fiction writers guide, The Literary Handyman and is the senior editor of the Bad-Ass Faeries anthology series, Dragon’s Lure, and In An Iron Cage. Her work is included in numerous other anthologies and collections, including Rum and Runestones, Dark Furies, Breach the Hull, So It Begins, By Other Means, No Man’s Land, Space Pirates, Space Horrors, Barbarians at the Jumpgate, and Mermaid 13.

She is a member of the New Jersey Authors Network and Broad Universe, a writer’s organization focusing on promoting the works of women authors in the speculative genres.

Danielle lives somewhere in New Jersey with husband and fellow writer, Mike McPhail, mother-in-law Teresa, and three extremely spoiled cats. She can be found on LiveJournal (damcphail, badassfaeries, darkquestbooks, lit_handyman), Facebook (Danielle Ackley-McPhail), and Twitter (DAckley-McPhail). To learn more about her work, visit http://www.sidhenadaire.com, http://www.literaryhandyman.com, or www.badassfaeries.com.

Website and/or blog www.sidhenadaire.com, http://lit_handyman.livejournal.com, http://damcphail.livejournal.com

Twitter https://twitter.com/#!/DMcPhail

Facebook http://www.facebook.com/#!/danielle.ackleymcphail

Amazon author page   http://www.amazon.com/Danielle-Ackley-McPhail/e/B002GZVZPQ/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1331314265&sr=8-1

Goodreads http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/989939.Danielle_Ackley_McPhail

http://www.badassfaeries.com/

http://www.sidhenadaire.com/

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Road to Publication #25 – One week to Release Day – And the Reviews are in…. Deep Breath

Posted on November 26, 2012 | 26 comments

I think I’ve mentioned that people have contacted me to say that they liked the story.  Yeah, that gave me the grins and giggles.  But the actual reviews have now started to pop up on Goodreads. (Amazon is not live until the actual release date.)

When I heard, my hands shook.  “Nope, not going to look.”  I was a wreck.  Then I got a nudge from a friend telling me that I should definitely look.

Here are the reviews of “Make Believe” so far on Goodreads… cutting out just the parts that mention Last Winter Red. Links are included in case you want to see the full review.

Brook – 4 Stars http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/459716333

Last Winter Red was probably my most favorite story. I am really into dystopian literature and this definitely had that underlying theme. I loved the world building that went on. And I liked the separation of the “classes” in the two different worlds, which is something you see in all dystopian novels. I could definitely see this story sprouting into a book or even a series. And I loved the twist to this story, it was one I was not expecting!

Jill – 4 Stars  http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/462048340

Last Winter Red by Jennifer M. Eaton … was an interesting story. It reminded me a little of Brave New World. We have to civilizations living apart from each other both thinking the other is diseased and living a strange lifestyle. This follows a girl that is moving from one civilization to the other and the discoveries she makes about her life and herself. This is one of the top stories in the anthology.

Danielle Villano – 4 Stars http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/460337884

This was such a great premise for a story! “Last Winter Red” had a significant dystopian feel that was not present in the other pieces, and so it stands out in my mind. While Emily is a bit whiny as a main character, her personality is completely justified: her upbringing has her believing that she is entitled to a certain way of living, and a certain caliber of privilege. As she leaves the boundaries of the Red and enters the world of the Gray, she is faced with the fact that she is “different,” and not cut out for the hardened Gray lifestyle. The twist in this story was very well-done and I enjoyed it immensely.

Rachael Morgan – 4 Stars http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/442896275

MAKE BELIEVE is a magical collection of short stories. Just the right size for someone like me who falls into bed too late every night and doesn’t have much time (or energy) left to read! It was a pleasure to escape into so many diverse fantasy worlds, some completely different from our own, others familiar but with a dash of the paranormal. All the stories were well-written, but I think my favourite was LAST WINTER RED, followed by BIRTHRIGHT. Those two captured my attention the most, and kept me clicking through the pages when I should have been switching off my light and sleeping! Overall, an enjoyable escape from the real world. Fantasy-lovers should definitely check this one out.

Jen – At Random – 5 Stars http://lratrandom.blogspot.com/2012/11/make-believe-anthology.html      (Loved it overall and didn’t comments on any story specifically.

Aimee Lane – 5 Stars http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/327147561

Last Winter Red by Jennifer M. Eaton 4/5
Another self-sacrifice story, but one mixed in with selfishness (on some people’s parts) and a totally different world in a futuristic, post-apocalyptic setting. I liked that this was totally different than the rest with its settings and purpose.

Sans – 5 Stars on Amazon

Last Winter Red by Jennifer M. Eaton
This one is a kind of dystopian tale in that Terra is surrounded by a wall to keep out the “diseased”, the people inside are known as Reds. Reds are supposed to marry and have many children to increase the population as they all seem to die young. Outside the people are known as Grays, or vermin. The two are not supposed to mix ever. There’s a “red” doctor trying to help the grays and give them health care as they seem to be living to older ages and have age related ailments that need medical help. Emily is a Red besotted with the doctor who ferrys the doctor supplies from Terra to Outside. Emily’s husband died before they have children so she now needs to find a new husband and begin having children to contribute in Terra and be considered a good valued Red.
I enjoyed this as the dystopian genre is one of my favourites. I would also love
to read more about these characters too. Maybe this short story could be the
start of a series?  So I would give this story a 5/5 I want more!

Wow.  Ya gotta love that!  But I’m a realist, so I will now stop reading them again until someone nudges me.

This really helps me moving forward, though.  Maybe I should step out of my comfort zone more often!

How about you… have you had success with something that was far different from anything you’ve done before?

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Road to Publication #24: – The tinglies are here, and I’m dreading when the slapping will start.

Posted on November 21, 2012 | 21 comments

Yeah, this was supposed to post Monday.  I’m a delinquent.  I just can’t keep up right now.  Ever been there?

The funny thing is I almost went to bed without posting this one, too… and All I’ve done tonight is blog posts for guest appearances.  Funny–I forgot my own.

Back to the Road to Publication …. I just received another email from someone who’s read an Arc (Advance Reader Copy) of Make Believe.  They said that “Last Winter Red” was their favorite story “by far” and they wanted to do an interview with me.  Can I hear a squee?

Now, I am not vain enough to think that the other authors are not getting similar email responses to their own stories…. But this is the third response like this I’ve received, and it feels good.  So so so good.

But creeping in the back of my brain is knowledge that the day will eventually come where someone will pick up the Make Believe Anthology and love every story EXCEPT mine.

It’s inevitable, isn’t it?  Not every story will resonate with everyone.  I listen to other authors complain about reviews… and I’m trying to tell myself that I won’t read any reviews at all.

Ugh.  Maybe you guys can screen them for me and just tell me about the good ones?

I don’t know.  I’m pretty thick skinned, and I do not expect EVERYONE to like my story.  I really don’t.  I just hope when that dreaded day comes that they have a little mercy and chock it up to “this is not my cup of tea” rather than “this chic stinks beyond reason”.

How do you think you will react to your reviews?

For those of you who have gone through this already, how do you handle the good and the bad?

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Write a Story with Me – Part 16 – The Unmentionable by Shannon Blue Christensen

Posted on October 16, 2012 | 25 comments

Sooo… The plot thicken this week as Shannon blue brings in the internal thought… and a brand new backstory.  Hmmmmm…. what a tangled life daddy leads, huh?

If you are new to Write a Story with Me, please scroll down to see a list of previous posts.  Catch up on the story and have a great time!

16 (Shannon Blue Christensen)

“Bethany? Don’t just stand there. Help your mother find the herbs she needs for Marci.”

Bethany hovered for a moment, uncertain. She looked again at Marci, whose lips were beginning to turn blue, and hurried after her mother.

Yoran quickly turned back to Janosc, who had hidden behind the door while Yoran gave orders to Bethany. Janosc’s eyes glimmered. His lips quirked in what was intended to be a benevolent-appearing smile.

Yoran believed The Establishment was pure, regardless of sacrifice required. The guidances dictated by the ruling body preserved a peaceful existence for citizens. Like most young men, he was proud to be selected for service. Ridding the world of beings competing for power was noble.

A few years earlier, his unmentionable daughter was taken. She had acted out in school, asking why the Establishment came to power, who decided what was good. One evening his coworkers arrived. A summons signed “The Establishment” stated that they were taking the girl away. Yoran was warned to never think of her again.

Afterwards, his colleagues acted as if the girl has never existed, yet it was months before the usual banter resumed. The hairs on his neck told him that he was being watched. He began looking for others with hollow eyes and hesitation in their step. He wondered.

A year or two later, he met Janosc on a routine raid. He never looked the criminals in the eye, at first because he was sure they didn’t deserve the attention, now because he was afraid they did. As they tossed Janosc in the back of the wagon, the creature spoke, “I know where she is, you know. She’s not dead. They won’t allow it.”

Yoran fumbled the ropes. Janosc laughed, “Yes, wouldn’t you love to know?” Yoran pretended carelessness.

 

If you’d like to sign up, come on over.  There’s always room for more!

Part One – Jennifer M. Eaton

Part Two – J. Keller Ford

Part Three – Susan Roebuck

Part Four – Elin Gregory

Part Five – Eileen Snyder

Part Six – Mikaela Wire

Part Seven — Vanessa Chapman

Part Eight — Ravena Guron

Part Nine – Vikki Thompson

Part Ten — Susan Rocan mywithershins

Part Eleven — Kate Johnston  AKA 4AMWriter

Part Twelve — Julie Catherine

Part Thirteen — Kai Damian

Part Fourteen — Richard Leonard

Part Fifteen — Sharon Manship

Part Sixteen – Shannon Blue Christensen

Don’t forget to stop by next week to see what happens next.

Gryphonboy  —- TAG!  You are “It”

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Having your novel Critiqued live in a chatroom. Crazy? Maybe.

Posted on October 13, 2012 | 8 comments

A few weeks ago, I sent the first page of “Fire in the Woods” to the Writers Chatroom.  They posted it, and the group critiqued it live, on-line.

Nerve racking?  A little, but overall it was a positive experience.

A few people asked me what I thought of the experience, and what it was like.  Well, going into it I felt good.  I think mine was number eight “at bat”.  As I watched the other critiques go up, I did get just a little nervous.  The critiquers had a whole lot to say, and they didn’t hold back.

The hard part about it is that everyone talks at the same time, and sometimes they are talking about different parts of your story.  Because of this, I copied the pages as they scrolled by, so I could be sure to go back later and make sense of it.

The big things I got out of this are

1.      The opening seems pretty good.

2.      Despite the necklace being important, I don’t want it distracting.  I’ll ease back on that a bit.

3.      The “Mirrored in the glass overhead” part need to be re-written.

4.      Change headphones to earbuds

I decided it would be fun if I posted the actual comments about my work below.  The only editing I will do is changing the names of the critiquers, since I did not get their permission (I wouldn’t know how to contact them anyway)

This may be confusing, because one person may be typing an answer to a previous post… but meanwhile three or four people have said something else, so the answer comes far down the “scroll” and not right after the original comment.  I was going to place everything in “easy to read” order, but I figured I’d show it to you exactly as I saw it.

My work was posted, and then there was one minute of “silent time” for everyone to think it over, and then the fun began.  Here is the “transcript”  (Which is just me cutting and pasting as the conversation scrolled by)  In case you are interested, the novel starts with an explosion (no surprise, right?)

[MODERATOR] End. One minute please!

<Everyone reads>

[MODERATOR] Comments!

[ZADA] great suspense & description!

[Karina] very nice. I’m interested!

[ZADA] nice “showing”

[SAGE] yeah it was very descriptive but not over the top

[Deadend] Deascription was awesome..

[boop] so sorry the full screen format is screwing me up when I try to scroll up

[SAGE] it got me interested

[DETROIT] Excellent word use and it definetly keeps me wondering what is actually going on. What’s next, the whole house crumbling down? Nice!

[MODERATOR] Boop, just use the scroll bar to the right.

[HORN] Where did the smoke and fire come from?

[BOOP] Pink headphones? the description are fantastic!

[MODERATOR] I agree. The descriptions are terrific.

[PIKE] Mirrored in the glass overhead, over the clouds? The lightbulb blew out, or blew up? caught my interest with the action, mental works for action too. good job

[MODERATOR] I am wondering if the necklace has significance.

[DEADEND] Teachers try so hard to teach us not to use adjectives and overloadinding description, maybe they should read your short?

[GIRLYGIRL] Good. I want to know what’s going to happen. Great suspense and action.

[MCDONALDS] Almost on the point of “less can be more” – possible OVER-use of adjectives? Places where ONE might be enough instead of 2 or 3

[ZADA] it seems the necklace does have significance – at least that’s how I took it

[LISA] I’d start at “The ground shook…” Good descriptions

User WARRIOR has signed out.

User WARRIOR has entered this room.

[BOOP] Yes, or magical I thought maybe on the neckllace

[LAURA] The description was fantastic, although I sometimes felt it was too much – a bit overwhelmed, as it were.

[WIDDER] ‘likness mirrored in the glass over the cloud of grey smoke …’ – this didn’t make sense …. otherwise great descriptions … love the macro and micro description.

[MODERATOR] I don’t know, MCDONALDS. There are a lot of adjectives, but I felt they made the scene come alive.

[GIRLYGIRL] Less commas makes the pace faster I noticed in some places.

[LISA] A minor detail. Headphones are worn on your ears. Earbuds are in your ears.

[FLOW] i like another kick-ass girl (pink headphones)

[PIKE] but LAURA, it needs to be overwhelming, war is like that

[WIRED] there were a couple sentences that need rewording/refining other wise great job very showing

[DEADEND] Jesus.. Isn’t it great that we all love what we do?

[BOOP] Is the character a guy/girl

[LAURA] That’s true

[WIDDER] sure is DEADEND

[MODERATOR] Laura, the pink headset said “girl” to me.

[LAURA] I guess the main character is overwhelmed, too

[WORKING] I like the imagry! But couldn’t follow this “My likeness mirrored in the glass over the cloud of gray smoke wafting into the air” – I am asking myself “glass over smoke?

[PIKE] I have shooting, helicopter crashing etc in mine, lol love those women who are strong

[KATTIE] Visual, lyric writing = engages the senses – action vivid, very visual, each image pulls the story forward from the speaker’s viewpoint – the descriptions draw me into the story = I would want to read more, significance of the necklace in the maelstrom

[WARRIOR] Nothing wrong with commas

[BOOP] That’s the word, Laura, I concur the imagery is fantastic. It’s what makes a writer effective, in my opinion and this author has it

[FLOW] i’m thinking locket from her deceased mom

[PIKE] who wrote this?

[MODERATOR] This one is from another relative newcomer, Jennifer M. Eaton.

[PIKE] ahhh

[BOOP] congrats Jennifer

[ZADA] great job Jennifer!

[WIDDER] excellent Jenifer! …. want to read the rest of this one too

[KATTIE] Mirror – maybe it’s ‘through’ the cloud of gray smoke ??

[MODERATOR] Jennifer, is the necklace important? We all want to know!

[PIKE] good job Jennifer

[DEADEND] excellent

[JenniferEaton] Thanks, guys

[MODERATOR] WB Jim.

[LISA] Very nice, Jennifer

[PIKE] sure it is, that’s why she mentioned it so much

[KATTIE] Jennifer! I’d love to read more of this excellent story ^_^ Write On!!

[JenniferEaton] Yes. THe necklace is very important, and belonged to her dead mother

[HORN] Good job Jennifer.

[WORKING] Back story on the necklace would be great.

[MCDONALDS] Good hook, Jennifer!

[JenniferEaton] You’ll get the backstory on the necklace later in the story

[WORKING] Prologue perhaps?

[MODERATOR] Great job Jennifer.

[JenniferEaton] Thanks everyone!

[PIKE] since it’s ‘future’ I was thinking the necklace had some sort of ‘power’

[PIKE] no prologue, work it into a conversation, or using it, or thinking about it. ‘holding the necklace brought her comfort as she thought about her mother’

[MODERATOR] ready for the next?

[WORKING] yepper

[SAGE] yes

[GIRLYGIRL] Ready.

[LAURA] Me too

There you have it.  So, What do you think?

Is this an interesting way to get a critique, or totally insane?

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